Approval Seeking & Validation Seeking

2 articles on Validation Seeking / Approval Seeking

Here's one from MASF by FunkyVader

Subject: The Seven Sins of Validation Seeking

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When I started out on this endeavor I was overwhelmed by all the new acronyms; hundreds of new techniques, methods and social dynamics that I had never heard about or had barely scratched the surface of.

One such expression was Validation Seeking, but I never really understood what it was about, for me this was just one of a hundred new things, not more important than the others.

Instead of looking into this seemingly abstract and wholly expression I focused on the obvious stuff, like peacocking and openers, things that are easy to understand. Of course, it cannot be expected of a beginner to learn everything straight away, you have to start somewhere and most people will start with the obvious improvements.

After putting much of the basic stuff behind me, the destruction of Validation Seeking Patterns has become my new mantra. It has become a focal point of my studies and is fast becoming the most interesting and important field regarding my personal development.

The exact meaning of Validation Seeking is in no way obvious, it’s an expression that few people are deeply familiar with and it’s not a term that is commonly used, at least not in my native language.

Reaction Seeking and Attention Seeking are closely related but not really covering because reaction and attention are words that are immediately associated with physical actions, these expressions are more like subsets of Validation Seeking.

The best way to understand Validation Seeking is to study the ways in which it is manifested, that is why I have created the seven sins. These sins are not only related to Validation Seeking, committing these sins may have many other reasons, that is important to keep in mind, but in many cases they will be closely tied up with underlying Validation Seeking Patterns.

Validation Seeking Patterns can be very hard to spot. One reason is, as I already mentioned, that validation seeking is generally poorly understood, another reason is that many patterns are so common that they are regarded mainstream or “normal”. The patterns are also hard to destroy simply because many of them become very strong habits.

However, it IS possible to destroy the patterns but first we have to understand what they look like and how they can be detected. On to the seven cardinal sins:


1 Lying

This pattern is very obvious and I’m not going to describe how you can detect it in yourself because you sure as hell know if you are lying or not. Lying can be very destructive to personal integrity, especially if you are repeatedly lying to DHV and appear more interesting. I have seen how this has become a habit in some, and it is the kind of habit that has the potential to destroy your life.


2 Bragging

Ok, you bought a new Mitsubishi Evolution [Editor: Extremely agile 300 horsepower road rally car], rented a penthouse or just got a hefty pay rise. Let’s assume that you bought the car because you thought it was awesome, but you realize that it has bragging potential. It is ok to brag, but it has to be done with style.

Generally speaking you should not be the one to bring up your status symbols, let the girl find out that you got an amazing car, no need to tell her. If she happens to start talking about fast cars, then of course you can go ahead but don’t try to impress her.

Keep in mind that bragging does not limit itself to status symbols, name dropping, or bragging about famous people you know or have met is often nothing more than a poorly disguised attempt to seem important, especially if that person is only "a friend of a friend".


3 Buying Friends

In the above example, if you actually bought that Mitsubishi Evo with the purpose of impressing chicks and talking about your fantastic car then you are in trouble. Some rich people will hoard things, I have seen this many times even in guys that are not particularly rich, they will collect all sorts of status symbols and gadgets in the belief or hope that it will improve their chances with the other sex and their popularity in general.

It may do so, but the chicks they will attract are mainly the gold diggers, and they are moving into negative feedback loops, Validation Seeking Patterns where their success becomes linked with material wealth. These are the guys that will completely deflate if their wealth suddenly disappears.

This sin also includes the classic AFC traits of buying drinks and expensive gifts.


4 Self Consciousness

a) If you dance in a club, do you hold back because other people "are looking"?

b) If you are walking down the street and pass by a street musician that cannot sing or a performance artist that is really weird, will you feel embarrassed?

c) Do you suffer from significant approach anxiety?

d) If you go to a show, say a standup comedian, do you sit in the back rows because you are afraid that the comedian will point his finger at you or ask you up on stage?

e) Do you have one or more inferiority complexes?

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions it may indicate the presence of Validation Seeking. You have to ask yourself why you feel that particular way, why do you feel embarrassed on behalf of the street musician? You don’t know that guy and frankly you shouldn’t be giving a shit if he is totally out of tune.

Maybe the reason that you feel embarrassed is because you picture yourself in his place and you imagine how others would laugh at you and think that you are a complete loser?


5 Supplication (Qualifying)

a) When you make a statement (or start a thread on this forum) are you worried what other people will say?

b) Will you, in your writing or talking, be very particular in what you say or do, often thinking things through, to avoid offending someone else or getting negative feedback?

c) When interacting with others will you seek frequent eye contact to constantly check the response of the other person, to make sure that person is not offended?

d) Will you avoid making decisions that may hurt others or will you avoid putting yourself in a position (higher responsibility in a company), where you will risk having to hurt others (fire people)?

This sin has been covered in great detail and succumbing to this sin is often referred to as Qualifying yourself to others. Many people will do this their entire lives without ever realizing what they are doing.

It is a very mainstream pattern that divides the alphas from the betas. It is also a very powerful tool in PU and social dynamics in general when used on people that don’t realize what is going on.


6 Outcome Dependency

a) If you are blown out of a set, do you feel anger?

b) Do you measure your success in terms of collected phone numbers or lays and don’t pay much attention to the process involved?

c) Do you count your lays?

d) Did you look for information about the criteria that others believe you should fulfill to call yourself a PUA and does this title mean a lot to you?

Ok, I realize that we all do things to get an outcome, but it’s important to keep in mind that outcome dependency is a bit different. Imagine the following, you realize that being a PUA is really cool and being cool is important to you (validation seeking pattern), so you decide to study PU partly for this reason, obviously you want pussy as well.

Before you start out you already got a clear picture in your mind that you need to become a PUA, this will make you cool, but at the same time you will build significant expectations and you may even start bragging about your plans, selling the bear before it has been shot.

The more you build up expectations the more dependent you become on the outcome, now you have to succeed or else you will fall flat on your face and look like a fool.


7 Neediness

a) If a chick or friend doesn't call or text you for an extended period of time, do you get uncomfortable?

b) Are you frequently checking your hand phone, email or some forum for feedback to your input, getting excited when someone gives that feedback or will you send a message, write an email, start a thread, write a blog or whatever with no other purpose than getting a reaction from others?

c) If you can get away with it (the boss is out of office), do you spend time on MySpace, a forum or emailing/texting instead of doing the job that you are actually paid to do?

Neediness is also linked to the feeling of loneliness. These patterns can be very hard to destroy because they are things that you may be doing many times every day, say access a forum… ahem. In the course of a year you will literally have repeated the pattern hundreds or even thousands of times and it becomes a social habit that is not unlike smoking, going to the toilet or having lunch, it simply becomes part of your daily routine without you even noticing.

FV

Subject: Re: The Seven Cardinal Sins of Validation Seeking

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This is exactly what I am working on at the moment. Like you, I did not understand it at first, but am coming to realize that it is a super important aspect of game, in all parts of my life.

Where a year ago, I was rating my performance in my interactions by the quality of eye contact, now my focus has become stamping out validation seeking.

Cars are a huge area of focus of mine right now because of the big part they have always played in my fantasies. I am realizing that many of my car fantasies are not; if I had a 911, it would be so cool to drive it, to feel it alive in my hands, the rush of acceleration, experiencing killer brakes, etc, but rather how I'd look driving it, how cool my friends would think it was and therefore me for owning it, or how impressed chicks would be with it. ie Validation fantasy.

If people start to look at their fantasies, I bet most will find themselves doing that with most expensive consumer products.

You have to reset your mind so the reason you want a car is because you actually want to drive it every day for years. Where what would be cool is your experience owning it. That you want it because it is the best choice for what it is you need a car for.

This holds true for almost everything in your life. Once you start the process of examining your actions and fantasies, you will find tons of validation seeking behavior to stamp out.

I am convinced that addressing my fantasies is the best place to start. They are a major aspect of inner game. I have to clean out all the harmful crap that is in my brain before I can refill it with better more useful stuff.

BTW: Great list of things to work on.

Silver

Subject: Re: The Seven Sins of Validation Seeking

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Thanks guys,

it's funny, but usually when I make a "big realization" and feel more enlightened it is a result of temporary euphoria that wears off very quickly, meaning that it wasn’t a big realization at all.

With this shit, it feels a bit different; the best way to describe it is that I feel more relaxed, less anxious. I also feel less envy, more focused and less tempted to daydream.

Silvertree has an interesting point about daydreaming, in his case he was dreaming about owning a Porsche 911. My daydreams has very often focused around imagining situations in which I would be appreciated in various ways; for my intellect, some extraordinary skills or for something fantastic that I did, all of this is strong validation seeking patterns, imagining myself in a position where I would receive massive validation.

Regarding the Envy it specifically relates to my new flat that I’m renting in downtown. When I just got it I wasn’t really happy with it, but now it’s more ok. When I was looking for the flat I viewed many, also some that looked considerably nicer but I ended up rejecting them for various reasons.

Instead of appreciating the flat that I chose (which actually is in an awesome location), I was always thinking about the flats that I did not get, envying the guys living in those places and being very unsure if I did the right thing.

Now I don’t really care so much about that anymore. It may sound a bit far fetched but somehow it seems that my uncomfortable feeling about the new flat was linked to a fear that others would judge me and accuse me of making the wrong choice. This can be linked directly to the fourth sin, Self Consciousness, I was afraid that others would be making fun of me. It sounds stupid, I know, but I can feel that there is something very true about this.

I didn’t actively work on the “not happy with apartment” issue at all but the realization of the “seven sins” has somehow partially destroyed some underlying mechanisms that governed those bad feelings as well. It’s a very welcomed bonus.

FV
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